God always helps me to see the big picture.
Now, I have to apologize, to those that read my ramblings here. My apology is this…I’m sorry I left you for so long…
When I first came back to writing after losing my brother, I thought I was ok….I wasn’t…nope..no siree bob….not even close.
There were some other things that happened around the same time that I just don’t have the strength to share yet, but just know this. Everything that I had grown and had been taught to believe suddenly found itself in the cross-hairs of a sudden, overpowering disbelief. Where I had once seen order, I could only see chaos. EVERYTHING. Enough punches can make the strongest personn want to bow out…and it seemed like me and my family were taking the best swings that the world had to offer….
So, I faked it a time or two..I wrote SOME stuff, but it really wasn’t what I was feeling. I wrote like I was okay… I wasn’t okay. For a few weeks, every smile that I gave was as hollow as those grinning chocolate Easter bunnies. I was hurting inside and I wasn’t allowing it out. I was so busy trying to convince everybody else that things were ok, that I wasn’t allowing myself time to actually BECOME ok. What I was giving wasn’t me… It simply wasn’t …Every time that I put my hands on a keyboard to write, I was puitting out sunshine and rainbows when my whole world seemed like clouds and rain….and I promised to always give you ME….not some alternate reality version of me.
So, I stopped writing. Nada. Zilch. Nothing. After a while, I figured that working on another book would help me out of the funk. It’s a much darker, project than anything else I’ve written. I figured that the pages would just SCREAM for release. But guess what? Nope. Almost nothing. Next to nada. Almost ZILCH. I was completely, utterly without my words. I think I wrote four paragraphs in like a month….(Now they are GREAT paragraphs, but still…it’s only four. LOL)
Then, God showed me something thru a song…It had a great message that really hit me at the time. It’s called, “Who You Are”:
Who You Are
I stare at my reflection in the mirror:
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf.
No, no, no, no, no…Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart.
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
(who you are [x11])Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah!
The more I try the less it’s working, yeah
‘Cause everything inside me screams
No, no, no, no, no…
Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart.
But tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
There’s nothing wrong with who you are!
Yes, no’s, egos, fake shows, like whoa!
Just go and leave me alone!
Real talk, real life, good love, goodnight,
With a smile that’s my own!
That’s my own, no…
No, no, no, no, no…
Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay…
Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart.
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
Yeah yeah yeah
So, thru something as simple as that, God helped me see that it was okay for me NOT to be okay sometimes. I had to learn that I would not be okay until I learned how to forgive myself for NOT being ok. Even the strongest tree sways in the strong wind….the key is not to break.
And with that, if you can forgive me for my absence..I would like to keep sharing with you. Let’s get this party started.
Ty
Daddy's Doing Hair?!?!? 