My eyes hurt.
I simply cannot stop crying today.
So there will be no eloquence in this post…forgive me.
I’m at my desk at work, trying to hide my face every time someone walks by so that they don’t see me crying. But no matter how hard I try, I constantly feel the tears burning; burrowing their way out until they eventually make their way to the surface, and slide down my face. As the only Black person in this office, I’m sure that my coworkers won’t (can’t?) truly feel (understand) my pain…So I REFUSE to share my tears with them.
I’m sick of feeling like I’m “selling out” because I don’t take a stronger stance whenever the inevitable questions of how I feel about “so and so” get directed towards me by someone that simply can’t (won’t?) relate to what I’m feeling. I want to scream at them, “Those MF’ing bastards are pieces of dog SH*T for killing that man.” In my MIND I go all Samuel Jackson in “A Time to Kill” on them., but the words that often escape my lips are tamed…instantly self edited and watered down to be made more palatable.
So my righteous anger ain’t sated…just self abated and I hate myself for it.
I want so badly to explain that even IF Trayvon actually DID attack Zimmerman, that he only did it because he felt threatened and NONE OF IT would have happened if some strange man hadn’t been STALKING him in the rain. I want to explain to them how I, Mr. Rational, Mr. Always Smiling would’ve done the EXACT SAME THING in that situation.
I want to tell them about my utter DISGUST that Zimmerman can actually make money off the sale of the murder weapon…but Alton Sterling ultimately loses his life for selling bootleg CDs and DVDs to help support his family.
I want to question their logic when they say that if Eric Garner simply would not have have resisted arrest for selling single cigarettes, he’d be alive today, when just YESTERDAY a White man in Raleigh was simply TAKEN INTO CUSTODY after pointing a loaded shotgun at drivers and THEN taking a shot at a deputy. (http://www.wral.com/man-charged-with-shooting-at-wake-deputy/15832777/) I guess smoking DOES kill, huh?
I’m sick of trying to walk the line as to not coming across as “Angry Black man”…playing the corporate game with a modern day shuck and jive routine to mask how I really feel because I know that they can’t ( won’t?) feel me. Ya feel me?
I’m tired from another morning with another video of yet ANOTHER person that looks like me slaughtered in streets or jail cell at the hands of those sworn to serve and protect…and these are just the ones with VIDEO. Who knows how many go unseen? I’m tired as hell of it.
I’m 45 years old. I’ve spent my whole life being rational. I’ve spent my years trying to see the best in everybody, trying to do the right things, trying to understand everyone’s reasons for what they do; their unique points of view.
I’ve been pushed to not think that way anymore.
My tears are blurring that vision today. But even I can still see that this shit ain’t right.
I don’t care what anyone thinks/feels now. And I’m ready to stand up and demand that which we shouldn’t have to…
.…and BTW…I’m done crying.